It's the fall of the fuzzy grey-and-white wall between "old movies" and "real movies." I mean oh my god, Bogart made mistakes? :P

Thanks to everyone for the wellwishes (and even presents)! I think I got most of everything out the first day. A lot can be said for overreacting - it means functioning sooner.

When I've tried to think of why it hurts so much, all that keeps coming to mind is snuggling in bed and his hair and his eyes. And his very nice penis. We never agreed on anything, but I'm still empty. Blah. I wish I could convince him to be a friend I never converse with but get really big tight hugs from on a regular basis.

So, Matt dumped me. I don't know what to do. I think I'm already going insane. I'm crying so much I can hardly see and I'm flailing around like a baby.

If I knew I had only a day to live, I'd drag someone (probably Foot) to karaoke to do this duet with me. Until then, I'm too chicken.

What would you do if you had one day to live?

+=+=+=+=+=+ NEWS +=+=+=+=+=+

Girl Dies After Parents Pray for Healing Instead of Seeking Medical Help

WESTON, Wis. — An 11-year-old girl died after her parents prayed for healing rather than seek medical help for a treatable form of diabetes, police said Tuesday.

Here's the crazy part:

The girl has three siblings, ranging in age from 13 to 16, the police chief said. "They are still in the home," he said. "There is no reason to remove them. There is no abuse or signs of abuse that we can see."

x-posted

+=+=+=+=+=+ ME-NEWS +=+=+=+=+=+

The JF zombie story's coming along. 1000+ words today, plus one Helium article: Explaining the anthropology of religion. Making stuff up has been more draining than writing non-fiction. It must be switching gears that's making the story tough - I really can't wait to tell it.

Finally, after three months of dicking around and ignoring me, Sutherland has called me to undo the layoff. I start tech support training on April 14. I'll be troubleshooting for Symantec, working at the 500 Ouelette building, which means I'll be able to get rides home from Matt after work. Hopefully I won't be too exhausted after work to keep writing. Though, hell, if the call volume ends up as low as it was for HP back in December and January, I might end up just writing while at work.

Ryan, who has been called back into training for AT&T, is in the same class as an apparent old crush of mine. I can't remember his name, his face, or being attracted to him; if it weren't for Ryan, I wouldn't be sure he existed at all. Anywhoodle, the guy was disappointed to learn that I'm with Matt. Self-esteem boost for me.

Picked up $25 tied for second in Helium's UFO channel contest. Pretty good, considering that I only wrote six articles for it. If I'd done one or two more, I might've won.

Are crop circles evidence of UFOs?
What constitutes UFO evidence?
Bizarre UFO sightings
Famous UFO Hoaxes
The world's strangest UFO stories
What to do if you see a UFO

I had Bjork's 'Earth Intruders' in my head for three days.

This week, I want to try two simultaneous channel contests: Anthropology and Latin America.

If only the library wan't closed for the holidays. :S

Forget all that effort. It's Zombies this week. I need a fiction break. It's so much more fun!

"Patrick McNamara ... is the head of the Evolutionary Neurobehaviour Laboratory at Boston University's School of Medicine. He works with people who suffer from Parkinson's disease. This illness is caused by low levels of a messenger molecule called dopamine in certain parts of the brain. In a preliminary study, Dr McNamara discovered that those with Parkinson's had lower levels of religiosity than healthy individuals, and that the difference seemed to correlate with the disease's severity. He therefore suspects a link [between] dopamine levels [and belief in god] and is now conducting a follow-up involving some patients who are taking dopamine-boosting medicine and some of whom are not."

source

Of course it must be those dopamine levels. Relinquishing belief in god has nothing to do with realizing that the perfectly all-good, all-knowing, all-powerful being who made SO MUCH SENSE during childhood wouldn't permit the (now intimately familiar) suffering caused by Parkinson's/MS/cancer/Alzheimer's/etc.

Way to go, Namara. Your theory also successfully explains why all potheads are evangelicals! **

Sometimes, scientists are as silly as the rest of us. No, we don't have supernatural 'souls,' but we're still more than chemical containters.

I take that back. We ARE just chemical containers, but we know too much about the fact of experience and too little about neurochemistry to expect a study of neurochemistry, rather than a study of experience, to give us shiny new answers about our predicament. In other words, Namara has chosen the wrong lens.

Still, Dennett's book on the natural origins of religion wasn't too shabby for a study in evolutionary psychology. The book asked exponentially more questions than it answered, but that's what philosophers are good at, and the field needs it, as most of its hypotheses are fucking inane.[/shameless horseman plug]


** The active drug in marijuana is THC. THC raises dopamine levels. Unless THC somehow avoids affecting the levels of dopamine in the brain's "god receptors," Namara's got some extra 'splainin' to do.

_______

EDIT: I've realized a flaw in my own arguments. I blame hard times for eye-openings; but I also blame hard times for opening people to religiousity. So really, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Help!

Maybe it's got other layers, like education. If you're educated and bad things happen to you, you lose god, and if you're uneducated and bad things happen to you, you find him? I wonder how educated these Parkinson's patients are, and whether Namara is taking it into account?

Found it at this gem of a blog: http://www.venganza.org

"A huge variety is available."

or

"A huge variety are available."

Which one's right?

Some cosplaying Links forced me to sharpie them against my will. Here's the result:

( Image Under Cut )

Sadly, I haven't reinstalled photoshop after the reformat, so they'll have to remain colourless.

digg it! :)

I've been doing more Helium writing (and JF-zombie-writing, though I'm not near done yet), though I'm trying my hand at stuff other than contests now. Although most of them aren't about subjects that interest me, a couple of my marketplace articles seem to be doing well. Next, I want to see how well I'll do as Helium's newest sex columnist.

Easy Ways to Learn to Meditate
Healthy Eating Tips for Dining Out
Top Ten Simple Ways to Stay Fit
Best Ways to Reduce Stress
Quick Tips for Inner Peace
How to Find Your True Passion

Finally, difinitive proof that Garfield kinda sucks: Garfield, minus Garfield: funnier than the original.

I've been writing my head off. Here's my most recent Helium stuff:

Why Atheists are Right

The Best Fantasy Websites

Tips for Writing a Science Fiction Novel

Tips for Writing a Fantasy Novel

The Most Famous Science Fiction Characters

Tada!

Shawn Lonsdale, the man who is interviewed about a minute into the following segment of a British documentary about $cientology, was found dead in his home on Saturday.



A hose ran from the exhaust pipe of his car to the window of his house. It's being called an "apparent suicide" by Clearwater police, who are mostly $cientologists. Shawn was an avid enemy, video-taper, observer, and critic of the cult. He was intelligent and, as far as anyone could tell, reasonably mentally stable. Especially if he was sleeping when the hose was attatched to the window, he probably didn't have a chance of noticing.

Link to article and comments.

XenuTV's Clearwater Police video

I've been kickin' ass over at Helium.com. I wrote that article for "Why atheists are right" last night, went to bed with it at 11th place, and woke up at #1.

I've been writing all the fashion stuff you see there for a reason: contest! I'm sad that I'm not in first place anymore, but hopefully I'll be able to pocket $25 to mark the first time I've ever made money from my writing.

Helium's a big fat contest, a pain in the ass, requires hard work, and I'm starting to love it. Especially since the only people who seem to have time to write on there besides me are middle class stay-at-home moms. It's not like I'm up against any real journalists here.

------------------
EDIT (Feb 7): All these have now been dropped off over at the store; and they don't get a lot of young customers, so if you go, I'm sure you'll find some of them sitting on the rack for a while.
------------------

I've been doing a ton of jewelry making (hemp macrame and fimo charms) to fill up my free time. I have a peg board at Eh Little Bit Of, a store you'll find at Tecumseh road and Rivard in Windsor. All of the hemp stuff shown here is mine, too, plus about fifty more pieces - necklaces, bracelets, earrings, keychains, barefoot sandals and bookmarks.

Because Matt and I slept in today, we didn't have time to visit my little portion of the shop to see if I've made any money yet or to update with more product. I thought I'd take a few pictures of what I've recently made, to show off, just in case anyone reading would like to call dibs on anything.

I'm going to be putting these up in the store either Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon, so if you like any of them, let me know right away so we can work something out. :)
I can put it up in my etsy store for you (shipping extra), or if you're local and want to pay cash, that's cool too; I can have it held for you at Eh Little Bit Of. Thanks for looking.



( Pretties and prices behind cut. )

Claimed/Free:

red mushroom with red and white beads

green mushroom with shells

green mushroom with glass beads

red mushroom with shells

kawaii cookie choker

asymmetrical flowerburst

nes controller necklace

sprinkle poptart necklace
egg and toast necklace
heart container necklace
purple iced poptart necklace

poptart cell charm
egg and toast cell charm
cranberry muffin cell charm

tp and poo cell charm

digg this!

Well damn.
Heath Ledger dead at 28

I've done a brief, unprofessional survey.

The Intarweb's Top 5 Most Popular Responses to the News:
5) "What a shock!"
4) "Renfro, Ledger, _______?"
3) "He had a kid, too."
2) "I hope they finished The Dark Knight first."
1) "Why couldn't it have been Britney?"

Alright. So. Say time really is the fourth dimension. Somehow in thinking about it, I concluded (or in some sense agreed) that multiverse theory is required to be true in the case of fourth-dimensional time. Then today, while cleaning the kitchen, I suppose I discovered that if time is the fourth dimension, and multiverse theory must thus be true (and I, that is, my sense of self, is continually, constantly, unendingly being cut up [or branching off] into bits, yet I still have a sense of constancy throughout particular potential occurences), the third requirement is that determinism is necessarily true.

If only I could remember in detail how I got there. When I'm scrubbing, thoughts can happen very fast.

If time is a fourth dimension, multiverse theory must be true because it's the only way for there to be a sense of motion without motion actually occurring (which, from the perspective of observing the fourth dimension from the conceptual 'outside,' must be true). But then I had to wonder, why do I sense motion, a here-to-there, a now-to-later, a then-to-now? What is it that pulls my sense of self along a particular strain of these infinite possibilities, and not other ones?

If everything that could happen to me does happen to different versions of me, that means that everything that could possibly happen is happening to me, just not 'this one'. That means that every single potential 'me' (which could be divided indefinitely, as Decartes once viewed matter) actually exists. That means that 'I' am sprouting out of a minimal history; so minimal that if time is being divided indefinitely, it's both nothing and everything. In the case of either (er, both), what's important is that it contains no motion.

Essentially, then, 'I' am sprouting out of nothing. I am coming from no determinate point, since all past points exist. I can't make conscious or knowing decisions based on that. The sense of self is an illusory constituent of experience, this I already knew. But now, I also know that because of this, my actions are completely random and because of this, determined.

Well, no, undetermined. So undetermined, actually, that determinism and free will lose meaning too -- neither exist.

Or maybe the self isn't an illusion, as it's something caused rather than created. Of course, multiverse theory essentially fucks up all meaning in everything.

Um, I think? Damn you, quantum kerfuffery.

I'm pretty sure I've gone wrong somewhere. Help?

(... I think I'm just making the point, in the end, that consciousness, or any kind of will, could not possibly exist outside of time, which has already been done much better than I've done it in the name of, among other things, atheism.)

EDIT:

But then what about determinism and free will? Does it matter?

To suggest that it's possible to make an uncaused decision seems to assume that the mind is magic. For a materialist, which I am, that doesn't work. So how can a materialist escape determinism, or at least maintain a belief in free will? By contextualizing it. Free will exists not ultimately but within, and dependent upon, certain spheres. Hrm.

So we're materializing out of randomness. The only thing giving sense to all that randomness, maintaining constancy in its own specific path, is the mind, the 'I' (which are the same in this context, because the mind is the 'magic' part of the brain that the 'I' is and identifies with, and isn't actually real).

And now, if I hop into Buddhist philosophy for a spell, that means that although the self is an illusion, it's necessary to form a sense of meaning, and thus necessary for enlightenment, which is the end of the sense of self, to occur. So then... there isn't really enlightenment, there's just an infinite (but never quite there) cusp of near-enlightenment, just as there's an infinite (but never quite there) cusp of near-light-speed travel.

To get to enlightenment, and to get to the speed of light, require the rules to change. The rules don't change without magic, and there isn't any magic, but anyway -- when the rules change (theoretically), time gets all fucked up and you get really, really confused with what it is you're trying to livejournal about.

It's probably only confusing because of my ego. If I'm something just like everything else is something (with no magic constituents), then none of the branching-off of being affected by multiverse theory is strange at all.

I have a few Alan Watts books coming in the mail. I should probably wait for them before I continue.

I found my Gravitation soundtrack after two years of neglect and danced my ass off in my room for two hours straight.

Really ought to do this more often.

Wow.

I missed my manic periods.

(Did you know I can play Sleepless Beauty on the piano? I'd forgotten until I heard it again.)

Also, I'm working on that novella for Tricia for nanowrimo. I really am. I stayed late at work for distraction-free time to write in the comp lab... and didn't have the storage device I thought I had. So there's smut sitting on a technically-staff-accessible work compy, saved in a folder by my name, and it'll be there until Sunday. Haha.

Well, it's not really smut. It does have the word 'cock' in it, though.

When wearing a Mister Gumby costume in public, expect to be recognized about five times, and called Hitler at least fifty times.

People are idiots.